In my other life . . .

Everyone does it, everyone says it.  "In my other life I would be a . . ."


We all have different "sides" of ourselves.  Little glimmers of talent, that hobby or craft you enjoy.  There's always another side to the coin and most of us let our minds wander a little and daydream about what it would be like to take a different path, walk a different line or make wildly different choices that would be very different than our lives as they are. 


Now, I have to say, I love my life, my family, and even my job--most days. 


However, here's my little list of choices I fantasize about making "In another life" . . . followed by the reasons I'm not filling out that job application anytime soon.

1.  Food critic/writer--I think it would be fascinating to dine at various worldly restaurants.  I love to cook, I love unusual flavor combinations and I think I could pen some salivating descriptions for my readers.  This would be a good combination of my love of travel, love of constructive criticism and love of indulgence. 
      Reality's Downside--I'm not eating anything raw or disgusting, not for NOBODY!  Also, I have a family of picky eaters.  Realistically, I'd be dragging Grumpy, Frumpy and Lumpy out with me on occasion to taste test and how many times do you want to hear, "Can we go to McDonald's on the way home?"

2.   Teacher--Part of my personality always takes over and "Instructional Shawn" comes out when there is a concept to explain, a new procedure to grasp or a group to be lead.  I'd like to think my carefully crafted words and strength of character could inspire greatness in others--or at least explain to them how to tie your shoes, write a book report or fill out a college application. 
      Reality's Downside--My "Mouthy Shawn" would get me in trouble.  While I pride myself in having a great amount of tact and diplomacy in my professional life, when it comes to children, I lose some perspective and that special editing feature that allows me to assess a situation and react strategically goes all out the window.  I'd be fired for calling some mother who mistreats her child a "Useless Ho-bag" or something of equal offense. 

3.  Stylist--Fashion, makeup, clothing . . . who doesn't love to play dress up and hair salon . . . at age 35?  Come on, really, you don't walk the runways in your closet?  Okay, I've outed myself there.  Having a little girl certainly helps me with my love of playing dress up, but seriously, I would enjoy styling others clothes, hair, makeup.  I think there's so much you can do for someone's confidence if they look their best, and feel confident in their appearance.
    Reality's Downside--I am way too pragmatic, practical and realistic to style anyone who's not a working mom.  Expensive clothes, ridiculous trends, impractical shoes . . . not this woman.  If you can't wipe it clean, throw it in the washer, hose it down with magic wrinkle spray and wear it for at least two years, it AIN'T got a spot in my closet!  The words, "She looks ridiculous" and "I hope she falls on her ass--that'll teach her" have, in fact, come out of my mouth.  One of my personal motto's, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should" certainly applies to fashion:  just because they make a skirt THAT short, doesn't mean you should wear it, just because they make a lipstick that shade, doesn't mean you should slap it on, just because you can wear a junior's size shirt, doesn't mean it's appropriate! 

4.  Police Officer--The appeal here is pretty simple-helping people, thrill of the chase, making the world a better place.  Who doesn't want to bust a perp or solve a crime?  
     Reality's Downside--Pretty big bummer here.  I'm pretty sure you'll get poop on you and spit on at some point . . . and have to deal with drunk people.  Good lord, I'd be fired for constantly screwing with drunk people.  That, or I'd be fired for letting the murderers and gang bangers go to town on the rapists and child molesters.  I guess subscribe to a little bit of "Street Justice" school of thought. 

Others that have swam in my fantasy water . . .

Vegas Showgirl, Chef, Artist--Painter, Sculptor, Folk Artist, Marine Biologist, Cruise Director, Lawyer, Personal Trainer, Psychologist, OPI Nail Color namer (who HASN'T dreamed of that job?).

Jobs/Careers that would run from me as fast as I would run from them . . .

Proctologist, Podiatrist, Dentist, Actress, Singer, Pest Management Consultant, Personal Assistant, Finance Manager, Nun, Data Entry Person, Poultry Processor, Help Desk Technician, or God help me, Carnie!

There are hundreds of fascinating jobs out there.  I think the fun of this exercise is to imagine what our life would be like if we made different choices.  Don't read that as I have any regrets--I don't believe in them--regrets mean you don't like the person you are--which is shaped by the choices you have made.  Instead, I think about the neat things that appeal to me in each of the jobs or careers I find interesting and I'm going to try to add some of that appeal to my life--either in a hobby, an adventure, or heck, even test driving another occupation for a day or two.

Watch out for this . . . next time you see me at a party, I might ask you, What would you do in another life? 

I don't want to be a pirate . . .

Dear shoe designers, stylists, et al . . . I don't want to be a pirate and sail the seven seas looking for treasure.  I am not looking to slay a tiger or fight for my life in the gladiator ring.  I am not a motor cycle chick looking to kick in a door and bust some heads.  Not a cowgirl down on the farm or for GOD's sake, a pole dancer on stage.
Designers must have run out of ideas if this is the best they can do!  Really?  Really.  Pirates, Cowgirls . . . are we really resorting to playing dress up like small children?  If that's the case, can I request you reference more Tinkerbell, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  Or . . . 

Can you just design some PRETTY f-ing shoes? 

What's wrong with a lovely little snakeskin-patent leather-peep toe-sling back?  And "yes" I have a shoe that has these four--my favorite four characteristics.  These past two years have been the worst shoe years ever.  I have walked through many a department store, discount store and boutique and left in utter disgust at the overwhelming selection of ugly being celebrated and offered up as the current selection.  Slouchy, sloppy boots with stupid looking heels, Earthy, flat soled shoes that lace up your leg, Platform 5" heels, Boots that weigh 10 pounds and can crush your cat if dropped on and dear LORD, don't get me started on the most ridiculous abhorrent shoe I've seen:  the peep toe boot.  My Northern friends would laugh their ass off if you wore these.  "Boot" gives some general implication that it can be worn in cold weather.  If you put a hole in it exposing your toes, what's the point?  You're either stupid, or a victim of the latest fashion trends. 

I can understand incorporating some funky, edgy, fashion forward shoes to your wardrobe but what's passing for fashion right now borders on ridiculous--and not even ridiculous in a good, bold, quirky way, but in more of a "You pitiful thing, you really paid to wear that--look at you, you can't even walk in those" kind of way.

Who can spend their days looking this ridiculous?  College students, Rock stars, Actual Cowgirls, Actual Pirates?  I suppose I could embrace these trends, throw on an eye patch and some ugly boots and instead of dropping in to see clients with a cup of coffee, we'll go with GROG and haggle over Spanish Gold--loser walks the plank. 

Seriously, though, does this observation push me over into the "old" category.  Will I lose sight of when a piece of clothing or shoe has reached the end of its life as a "classic" staple in my wardrobe and eventually succumb to the ease and convenience of the polyester pant suit (you can just wipe stains right off of that fabric, you know)? 

Ah, my pragmatic self says "who gives a crap" if I wear something that's lost its edge or modern day relevance.  I guess I have my answer if I don't care to be judged that something I wear may not be "in" fashion.  I would care more about judging myself a "fool" for wearing something so obviously a stupid trend that will be referenced the next decade for defining the "bad fashion" of the era.  Is this what is known as "wisdom"?  When you find it does it make you grown up or just old?  Does not caring mean you have transcended some youthful foolishness?  

I don't know about all of that.  I just know, I don't want to be a pirate or a pole dancer. . . just a nice lady who wears some lovely things. 

Who gives a crap what I have to say?

A Blog?  Really?  Who gives a crap what I have to say?

Answer:  don't care.  I do, but I don't.  I'm inspired by reading several friends' well written, humorous rantings and thought, "Hey, I have some funny thoughts about schtuff, too!  Maybe other people might find some amusement in my little slices of observation." 

"Schtuff".  You can borrow that one.  It's a "mommy-fied" kinder, safer version of a beloved four letter word.  That's what happens when you become a mom.  Well, not right away, but when your 2 year old starts saying, "$#@&" in the correct context, you quickly identify it's time to modify.  

"Flock", that one followed next.  It's four-lettered cousin came out of dear Pussycat's mouth when she was almost two.  It came out of her mouth--drawn out and crisp at the end--just like Mommy used it--when she thought little ears weren't listening.

Yeah, it sucks, er, STINKS, but as a responsible parent, you have to clean it up.  You don't want to be THAT parent who's kid taught all the other kid the really good dirty words or be the parent of the kid who incorporated these savory words into a well crafted sentence to the pre-school teacher.  "Mrs. A, my pipecleaner elephant looks like $%#@."

So, if pussycat could read (she's 4 and working on it, thank you very much), I might title this post, "Who gives a Flock what Schtuff I have to say." 

"Blamn", they're smart little "Turkeys."